Blizzard? STAY HOME!

Living in the midwest, I am used to long winters, ice storms, below zero cold and snow drifts, but one thing I cannot get used to are the idiotic people who live around here.

Here is a tip for those of you who have frozen brains this time of year - if there is a blizzard, a winter storm warning, an ice advisory or otherwise foreboding forecast and you don't have a matter of life or death to be out in it - STAY HOME.

Just stay home, have a cup of cocoa and chill out on the sofa. Make the effort to snowblow the driveway and shovel a path to the yard for the dog but don't go out in the public domain and don't drive.

I worked retail for a number of years and I'd practically kill myself to get to work in horrendous weather - why? Because braindead people still managed to go to the stupid mall when they should have gone or stayed home and I was still required to get to work.

The mall here will not close unless the highway closes. The highway. It takes an act of utter destruction for a HIGHWAY to actually close. Landslides, earthquakes, flash floods, hurricanes, tornadoes, terrorist attacks - mall is still open!

I will recount a couple stories for you about the mall and the weather.

Our local mall used to have a little competition from a smaller mall on the other side of town and these two malls would wait for the other mall to close so they'd effectively play 'chicken' - waiting out the other to see who would close down first.

Here is the thing - if the mall is open for business and you are late opening or don't oepn, you face fines in the thousands, so employees are strongly encouraged to get their gates up on time.

One year when I worked in a mall cookie store/bakery I was there with my manager and we had a particularly horrendous forecast looming - 12 inches of snow, freezing rain, ice, bitter cold... basically the worst blizzard you can imagine.

It had already started when the minions had made their way in to work that morning and a number of merchants met in center court to discuss if the mall would close or not. Schools had shut down due to the frigid temps so we all waited. Word came down from the manager of the mall - who, by the way was at HOME in his nice toasty bed,
that the mall would remain open.

So, a few hours later when it's really bad outside, the mall manager decides that maybe he should close the place. So, there we all were... a couple hundred people having to go outside, scrape feet of snow from the cars and try to get home safely.

Another time I was working at a card shop and school was closed that day and a number of businesses had told their employees to stay home. One lady came into my store and was all excited because she had the day off because of the weather.

Let's back up and think about that. YOU do not have to go to work today because the weather is so bad outside that your employer said don't come in?

Um... and you're at the mall? If YOU weren't at the mall maybe WE could get sent home. If there are no customers then maybe the mall manager would close the place down so the rest of us don't have to risk our lives getting here or getting home.

Don't force other people to risk their lives to wait on you at places you don't need to be. Stay away from the retail places and the restuarants.. let those people go home and be safe.

Stay warm everyone.

The Lure of the Outlet Mall

So, back in July, my dad and his wife stopped in town for a 4 day visit and the shopping dynamo stepmom wanted to know where the closest outlet mall was.

You see, they used to live in PA and she had literally dozens of malls within a couple hour drive and she rotated every weekend then they moved to OK and now she is starved for retail therapy.

The closest outlet to me is 45 minutes away but not worth the trip. It’s boring to the point that you’d rather kill yourself in a head on collision on the way there then to actually shop there, so I suggested the next closest, which is an hour and a half away and it has the high end, designer places she prefers.

So, we hop into my dads BMW and armed with my iPass (see? I bring something to the table), we set course (with the help of their GPS unit, affectionately called "Dorothy") and we trekked to the outlet mall.

You'll see a variety of things at an outlet mall - “irregulars”, “uglies”, “WTF is that?” and “um.. yea, there are no words” but it’s the thrill of the hunt and you might actually walk away with something fabulous.

Now, here is the thing about outlets: Very few people know that most outlet stores carry two types of merchandise. They have the product sent from the retail mall stores in your home town that doesn’t sell and then they have their own outlet brand line that is created solely for sale in the outlet stores. It’s usually lower quality and not worth the bag you take it home in. (of course that is just my opinion). You want to be shopping in the back, trust me.

So.. tell me, if it wasn’t interesting enough to buy at the local mall after being marked down 5 times, placed into the clearance section and then marked down an additional 50% on the sidewalk sale, why does it suddenly become interesting at an outlet mall store?

It’s because we think we are getting a bargain. I mean, if it was $98 retail and now it’s $12.99 then we HAVE to buy it, right? I mean, we’d be an idiot not to. Look at the money we’re saving! It doesn't matter that it's a lime green top with elastic sleeves and a pink and cucumber colored flower print with a bow .... it's $12.99!

Let me tell you. If it was ugly at $98, it’s still ugly at $12.99 and most outlet stuff is ugly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I buy things at outlet stores but I have been known to be drawn to the ‘odd’ stuff and things that no one else likes. I call it my ‘OJ Simpson might be innocent’ frame of mind. I’m a Libra so I tend to choose the underdog side of things. I like to believe in people. I like to rescue the ugly little coin purse that no one wants.

I like strange and unique so the outlet mall is a mecca of otherworldly treasures and giggly “oh, no they didn’t” moments when I discover something that is both horrific and yet strangely alluring at the same time. (much like the ‘as seen on tv’ products) I am both hopeful and scared that someone else thought it wasn't so bad.

Outlet malls are not for the mainstream shopper.

You need to be quirky enough that you give yourself the creeps sometimes.

So.. there we were. Me and my Wednesday Addams self and my upper crust stepmom, shopping at Dooney & Bourke. D&B is quite amusing in that they sell ‘irregulars’ which either means that the stitching is flawed, the handle is upside down or it’s just so hideously ugly that no one in their right mind would want to carry it – unless they got it at 30% off retail.

I’ve seen it happen before my eyes… women in search of status who buy the print or color that makes polished women cringe. (I won’t name prints or colors because what if I’m talking about you? That wouldn’t be good manners and we’d both be just a little bit embarrassed)

Anyway …. Then we hit the various shoe stores, now I am not a shoe girl (I know, gasp, the horror!) but it’s true. I very rarely spend money on shoes and I’ve been known to buy two or three of the same exact shoe should I find a fabulous one. (and that would be from Sears – I know, it’s frightening)

Shoe outlets are the worst because you will have one of three things come over you… you’ll be thrilled and excited to find the exact pair you’ve been salivating over at Macy’s for 6 months, in your size and color and 74% off retail price! It’s both satisfying and exhilarating. It will put a spring in your step and cause you to have a blast of confidence that you haven’t seen since you saw that girl from high school who is now fatter than you. Or, maybe you’ll find a pair that isn’t really you but at 86% off retail, they are so inexpensive that you’d be a fool to leave it there for someone else even tho you know damn well it will collect dust in your closet and you won’t wear them – even tho you have very good intentions. Then.. it’s possible you will find nothing and you’ll get depressed about your big ass gargoyle feet and how all the cute shoes are one size bigger or smaller. You’ll probably be with a friend who finds 34 perfect pairs and has to get your opinion on which ones to actually buy. (yea, she can bite me too) so, I suggest skipping the shoe outlets and going straight for that weird food court, just to say you saw it with your own eyes.

The weird foot court is so called because they usually have ‘chains’ that exist only at outlet malls across .

Souki of Japan, Cinnamonster, Paulo’s Pizza & Yogurt, Sub & Grub, Potato Pen … I mean, it’s like being stuck in a strange sort of alternate dimension where things look similar to familiar things but they aren’t real or right. Oh, and they are all priced as if they exist in the airport.

I once paid $7 for a baked potato and an iced tea.

Outlet malls make perfectly normal people buy and eat scary and uncharacteristic things.

I did find a very cute purse at Fossil and I’ve gotten quite a few compliments on it. I think if you go to an outlet mall with the right frame of mind, you can have fun … but you need to realize that it’s like going to the zoo.

You are so excited to be going, it takes forever to get there and get parked and once you get there you can’t wait to get the hell home. You usually remember you had the same exact feelings the last time you were there but had forgotten and now you’re just hot, tired, hungry, pissed you spent so much money and weaving your way thru the slow moving reptiles, stinky bears and uninteresting farm animals while waiting impatiently for the monkey pen to show up in your travels.

Ok.. so it isn’t nice to compare other outlet shoppers to zoo animals but if you’ve been to an outlet mall, you know what I’m talking about. It’s unfortunate but very true. I try hard to be a monkey in that zoo – projecting human qualities while maintaining a healthy distance from the people on the other side of the glass.