39 and Holding

Today is my 111th birthday! (wait.. that was Bilbo, not me) ... I'm turning 39 today!

This is my last birthday ... I hope not literally... next year I will begin celebrating anniversaries of my 39th birthday.

So... have a cupcake or a donut or a slice of vegetarian pizza to help me celebrate!

Angry Alien Productions

This website does 30 second movie reenactments - with cartoon bunnies- and they are just brilliant. You really need to have seen the movie in order to fully appreciate it. The Jaws one is fantastic.

I really enjoyed all of the ones I watched.

Are You Watching Supernatural?

You should be! It's a fantastic show! If you liked X-Files, Buffy, or are a horror movie fan.. this show is mandatory! It's creepy, it's funny, it's dramatic and it stars two very hot men with big guns who drive a '67 Impala and listen to classic rock. All you need is a bowl of popcorn.

I rounded up a few youtube videos to introduce people to the show.... the first one is a quick clip video that tells you a little about the back story and the next one is a 10 minute clip video of some of the funniest scenes (here is another 10 minute clip show)

You can rent the first three seasons on Netflix or you can buy all three seasons on Amazon for about $85 total ... season 4 started a couple weeks ago. Check your local listings.. it's on the CW and it ROCKS!

Overreacting

My hubby introduced me to this song called 'Overreacting' by the band 'Brad Sucks' and it's really great if you're feeling down about yourself or your situation. I'd love for you to take a listen and watch the video.. here are the lyrics for you as well:

when there’s no place you feel at home

and you think you’d be better off alone

when you think there’s no reason to try

and you hate yourself and wanna die

when you’re filled with anxiety

and everyone’s your enemy

when you wish you were someone else

and you wanna go out and kill yourself

ooh you’re overreacting

(you can change your mind)

ooh you’re overreacting

(take your time)

when you get yourself depressed

because you think you can’t do your best

when you write yourself a stupid song

to remind yourself that you forgot

Birthday Freebies!

My birthday is on September 30 and I've discovered the wonderful world of BIRTHDAY FREEBIES! Did you know that there are a ton of stores and restaurants that will give you a free goodie to help celebrate your birthday? Usually, you just have to register thru their website and the week of your bday you get an email with a coupon to print. Make sure you sign up your spouse too! Most of these places will also give you a free appetizer or dessert for joining.. so you'll probably get something just for signing up.

If you know of any that aren't listed here, let me know and I'll add them to the list!

I'm gonna make it easy for you.. here is a list. Most require you to buy another item to claim the freebie but who eats alone anyway?

Sephora - free 2.5 of birthday cake shower gel (you can get it in store or with an order online)

Bare Escentuals - in their stores they give 15% off in your birthday month

Philosophy - free 4 oz Purity cleanser with purchase

Lone Star Steakhouse - free entree up to $15

Red Robin - free burger

Houlihan's - free entree

Maggiano's - free dessert ($10 off when you join)

Qdoba - free burrito with purchase (free ships/salsa when you join)

Texas Roadhouse - free appetizer or sidekick of ribs with purchase of 2 entrees

Del Taco - free premium shake (plus 2 free chicken tacos when you sign up)

Cold Stone Creamery - free 'like it' size with one mix in

Marble Slab - free goodie at sign up and bday

Biaggi's - free dessert

Don Pablos - $10 off on your bday, anniversary of joining, every 10th visit and free dip sampler for joining

On The Border - free empanadas or dessert (free queso or empanadas with sign up)

Ruby Tuesday - free dessert

Dale & Thomas Popcorn - you'll get two coupons, one good in stores for a free bag of popcorn and one for free shipping online

The Melting Pot - free fondue for two with purchase with sign up (no bday goodie that I've seen)

Godiva - $10 off a $50 purchase

Famous Dave's - free goodie for your bday and for signing up (you'll get emails with a code) here are what you could get - the code is at the bottom so you can see what it is before you go:

W01 = B02 = big feast

W03 = B04 = rib dinner

W05 = B06 = super sampler

W07 = B08 = appetizer other than super sampler

W09 = B10 = dessert

TGI Friday's - they give you coupons for a free appetizer or dessert when you join (no bday goodie that I know of)

The Doggie Diet

I have two dogs - Ike and Sam. The vet says Ike needs to gain some weight and Sam needs to lose some so she suggested to change my free feeding approach and start feeding them two or three times a day so I can regulate who gets what. Apparently, Sam was being a hog and Ike was left with nothing. (I do need to say - Ike is a wimp - he's far too submissive to Sam and Sam IS a bully, I admit it) so.. it wasn't working!

The vet says 3 cups a day for Skinny Minnie Ike and 2 cups a day for Chunky Monkey Sam.

Now, if you've ever been on a diet or knew someone who was, you recognize the pissy "I'm hungry" grump-ass behavior while you get used to the new 'diet'. I was feeding the dogs twice a day (breakfast and dinner and they get a few treats in between) until Sam started to exhibit that 'behavior' ... I full-on recognized it because I've been on Weight Watchers for years. He was hungry and it showed. He was begging, he was nipping and growling at Ike, he was sitting in front of the food container, looking longingly at the dog bowls, sitting by the treat cabinet. It was pathetic.

So, I switched to three feedings a day and while Sam is still hungry, he's in a better mood but he still sits by the food container just to show how much of a drama king he truly is. They have learned to tell time because if I'm not in the kitchen making their breakfast at 6, lunch at 11 and their dinner at 4, I'm gently reminded that I have a job to do. I get nose pokes, barks, whines and paw slaps until I get up and head to the kitchen!

Yard Crashers

Have you seen this fun show on the DIY network? Professional landscaper and all around nice guy, Ahmed Hassan hangs out at a home improvement store looking for a homeowner who is in need of landscaping help. He and his team transform an area for FREE!

Now... here is why I'm posting about this... there are people who refuse to participate! If you watch the beginning of the show you'll see people go out of their way to avoid poor Ahmed and his camera crew. When he approaches some people they get all pissy and rude and cast him off.

Now, listen.. this isn't some creepy guy on his own saying "take me home with you" he has a film crew of probably 10 people with him.. they aren't going to tie you up and torture you.

People! He is a professional with a team of professionals and they will come and professionally landscape your yard and pay for the materials - all you do is put in some sweat and allow them to tape the show at your home. I saw one homeowner who said "what if I don't like the design?"

uh.... um.... he's a professional! Plus, could your yard look any worse than it does right now?

Do you know how much plants and trees cost? Are you aware that every lawn edger costs 99 cents and you need a kabillion? Hello? Mulch isn't cheap, neither is landscaping rock and you might get a cool water feature. cabana, deck or a brand new fricken PATIO!

Don't send poor Ahmed away! Even tho our yard is pretty much done (and done well, me thinks) I'd love to run into Ahmed at my local store but the Magic 8 Ball tells me there is no chance in hell that he'd be in my Midwestern podunk town.

Poking the Cat

In January, we found out our cat, Pete, had diabetes.

If you believe what my Dad says about diabetes, Pete was eating way too much candy.

Suddenly faced with twice daily insulin shots and mounting vet bills and the cost of the maintenance drug, we considered giving him away to a family that could better manage his needs, both financially and literally.

Fear and uncertainty set in and for a few days, we were panicked, sad, distressed and resigned to losing him. My husband said “No way. We aren’t injecting the cat twice a day”

I was sad but I knew that I couldn’t do it without his support.

I knew that if we couldn’t provide the diabetes maintenance then I had to give him away because the alternative was not an option.

I managed to find him a home with a couple that already had a few diabetic cats but when I told my husband, he did something I wasn't expecting - he told me no.

We would keep him and we would do whatever was necessary to bring him thru his illness and maintain his health with his diagnosis.

I was stunned.

We've been together for 16 years and yet, he can still manage to surprise me. I asked him why he changed his mind and he said that it was Pete - he was acting different, like he knew he was ill and that he needed our help. Maybe he sensed we were thinking about giving him to a new family. I don't know.

The following week we found ourselves in the vets office, buying a prescription-only cat food, insulin and learning how to fill syringes and administer injections to our cat.

Our vet made it clear to us that we needed to not let this diagnosis rule us, that while we needed to make a few adjustments to our lives (probably no vacations together as long as Pete was alive since no one would ever take on the responsibility of injections) she also said not to let it take over.

There is a couple hour window each way for the injections, but we still try very hard to maintain the 12 hour doses.

People probably think we're crazy. With Pete, he's had his hip replaced and his teeth cleaned. He's had the unfortunate luck to be the one pet we have that has all the problems. We adopted him from a kill shelter when he was 8 months old and he’s really been a great cat.

My personal greatest fear in all of this were the injections. I never once questioned my ability to give an injection. I'm not afraid of needles or the act of injecting an animal - my fear was if my cat would LET me.

My husband goes on business trips and I needed to be able to do these injections on my own, without any help from anyone. If it couldn't be done, then we couldn't keep him. That was the bottom line and there was a lot riding on that line.

Luckily, I discovered that tuna has magical powers and that Pete is a very good cat.

The first time I did an injection by myself I called up my husband and my mom with a great deal of excitement. It was a hurdle to overcome and I did it. I’m pretty much the exclusive injection giver so I’m quite the pro now.

After 9 months, I can say that while it has its annoyances, it beats giving the cat a PILL.

If you’ve ever had to do that, you’ll understand that there are worse things a cat can be diagnosed with! Pilling a cat is a leading cause of divorce.

Insulin - $125 a bottle (lasts about 40 days)
Syringes - $15 for 100 (and I use 2 a day)
Prescription cat food - $45 for 17 pounds
Blood tests - $69
Keeping my cat alive - priceless

I often wonder if he knows his injections make him feel better, that he needs them. He gets injections at 6am and 6pm (or round about there, depending on what is going on) and he's always waiting for me in the morning and at night he usually manages to make his way upstairs about the right time as well. If not, all I need to do is call him and he comes.

There is a real possibility that he may stabilize and we can control his condition on prescription food alone and while we hope for that, we are realistic enough to know that we may have to keep this up for the rest of his life.

People ask me 'how is he doing?' and I guess he's doing great. This is the first time I've had to do anything like this so I have nothing to compare it to. He seems to be feeling better - he's back to running around in the middle of the night, swatting the dogs, eating a lot and being generally pissy (his old self) but he and I have also gained a bond through all of this. He's a little more lovey with me and enjoys getting scratches and head butts and he tolerates me poking him twice a day.

He's a good cat.

Excuses, Excuses!

Do you need a reason (er, excuse) to shop? I have some good ones .. feel free to use them.

It's on sale!

I have a discount code!

I have a coupon!

It's almost my birthday!

My husband bought ________ (therefore I need to return balance to the universe by spending
the same amount)

It's almost christmas.

I have two discount codes!

I work hard, damnit!

Today is my choice of 5 deluxe samples!

I'll give up lattes for a month. I swear.

I had a free shipping code!

Three words - gift with purchase.

It's limited edition.

I didn't spend as much on groceries this week.

I'll probably never see it at such a low price again.

The regular retail price is $98! I'm saving $85!

Dad always sends me cash on my birthday so I'll just buy it now.

All the girls have one.

My husband is out of town.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

Lip gloss makes me feel better.

______ pissed me off! (shopping is better than eating)

I have a bonus check coming.

It's gift time at Clinique!

It's gift time at Lancome!

It's gift time at Estee Lauder!

I had a credit on my card.

I need to buy ______ a gift.

It's a different shade of red.

It's Sephora Friends & Family discount time!

It's raining.

I'm hungry.

One More Thing....

while we are on the vegetarian topic, I would like to educate you meat eaters on something.

This might help you in the future should you be in the company of a veg head.

There is a distinct difference between being a vegetarian or vegan, having a food allergy and not liking something.

Think about something you don't like to eat -let's use broccoli as an example. Let's say you order a salad and it comes with a few chunks of broccoli on it. Now, if you don't like broccoli, you can simply pick it off and go about your business but if you were allergic to broccoli you may have a problem. Eating a salad that had broccoli in it could cause you a health problem, even if you removed it.

As a vegetarian, I've made the choice to not eat animal flesh or broth or anything made with animal like gelatin. So, if I order a salad and it comes with grilled chicken all over it, picking it off and eating the rest of it is NOT an option, ok? It's disgusting. It's like finding a rat on top of your salad.

It would be like you ordering a pizza with sausage and having it come to your table with cockroaches all over it. Would you simply pick them off and eat it anyway? Probably not!

Well.. that is how a vegetarian feels about animal flesh and that example is the only example that seems to get meat eaters on the same page as me.

We really can't do half and half pizzas because pepperoni migrates and it's greasy so that grease can contaminate our half.

We also don't want our veggie burger cooked next to your beef burger on the grill and we'd prefer that you didn't even use the same tongs or turner to move them both around. We don't want them to share the same plate either.

Cooking meatballs in the pasta sauce and then removing them doesn't make that a vegetarian sauce, sorry! (yes, I've had that happen) and it does matter if the baked potato is coated in animal lard before baking - even if I don't eat the skin. Chicken broth isn't vegetarian and neither is Jello.

Veggie Burger 101

I’ve been a vegetarian for 5 years now and one thing us veggies know is that veggie ‘burgers’ are not created equal.

This post is more for the restaurant owners and wait staff out there. It’s very important you understand that putting ‘veggie burger’ on your menu is as vague as saying ‘animal’ under the entrée section. You need to be as specific as possible or you will have a very disappointed veg head on your hands – and you work for tips. Remember that.

I went to a restaurant that had ‘gardenburger’ on their menu, I inquired and was told by the waitress it was a ‘gardenburger’ and when it arrived it was a boca burger – that is like ordering a grilled cheese and getting a Reuben – totally different. I couldn't eat it. Mom took it home. I was devastated. Truly. In all seriousness. Not happy. I got quite bitchy and a little bratty.

Let me explain the types of veggie burgers in the world:

Boca Burger – this is a brand name but vegetarians use it general terms to mean a specific type of veggie burger. In most cases a traditional ‘Boca’ burger is a soy protein based patty (something like those weird hamburgers you ate in high school) same texture, and for me, not very edible.

They look most like a ‘real’ hamburger. (a really icky looking one, but still) I can eat a Boca patty if I have it on a bun smothered with condiments, veggies and a slice of cheese. It is nothing I’d choose to eat on a regular basis. Now, Boca also makes other varieties that fall into the grain based categories. (Just to confuse you)

Gardenburger – again, a brand name. A traditional Gardenburger is a grain based patty. It is brown rice, veggies and often cheese. As different from a Boca patty as humanly possible – they are both round and that is where the similarities end.

Amy's Kitchen - Amy's makes Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP) and veggie based burgers that are very good. Again, different.

Bean burger – some veggie burgers are bean based burgers, like a black bean patty. These are good to use inside a tortilla or mixed in with a salad. It’s like a refried bean patty. Different.

Morningstar Farms – this is another brand and their patties are a veggie-soy base that is (again) completely different from the other ones. (Are you confused yet? I’ve had 5 years to sort thru this)

Also available:

Faux chicken – textured soy protein molded into something that quite resembles the texture of a chicken sandwich (breaded or not) and I very much enjoy these. Also comes in nuggets and strips

Faux Beef – textured vegetable protein usually found in ‘crumbles’ to resemble hamburger for chili, tacos or sloppy joes or in ‘strips’ to resemble steak strips for stir fry. Gardenburger makes faux ribs, which are fantastic. You can also get hot dogs and corn dogs!

Alternatives – to make it even more complicated there are other things available like Quorn and Seitan.

Here are a few issues I have:

Very often restaurants use the garden burger term to encompass ALL burger types and this is a very bad idea. If you have garden burger on your menu, I’m going to assume it’s a Gardenburger (as in brand) and when a Boca or something of your own creation comes out, I will not be a happy camper. (Although, I will admit that now I ask a lot of questions before ordering but if the wait staff doesn't know the difference then it's a crapshoot)

I’ve been to a couple places that think a bun with condiments and a variety of veggies on it – essentially a traditional burger with no patty - is somehow something a vegetarian is interested in eating. They aren’t. Why can’t these places buy a couple boxes of Gardenburgers and stick them in the freezer? Not that hard! Not that expensive!

I’ve come across a few places that have a house veggie burger (which is great) but they do something to it that makes it more fattening than a traditional animal burger! WHAT do these places do to vegetables to make them have more calories than a slice of cheesecake? WTF? People probably order that thinking they are choosing wisely and they are actually making a worse choice.

In addition to being a vegetarian, I am also on Weight Watchers so a 953 calorie veggie burger with 52 grams of fat really isn’t an option for me (and I’m not kidding about the calories/fat – that is one major chains veggie burger stats!)

One last comment – if you know a vegetarian and are trying hard to feed them at a gathering – PLEASE contact them and ask what they prefer to eat. I’m betting most will volunteer to bring a burger or entrée item along with them but don’t just march up to the health food fake meat case and think you’ll be able to make a good decision. Even I couldn't choose wisely for someone else and I'm a 5 year pro!

Personally, I love and loathe certain things within each brand and I suspect all veg heads are like me. I love Boca brand faux chicken nuggets but Morningstar brand nuggets are gross. I love the Morningstar brand bacon, hate the Boca bacon. I even prefer to cook mine a certain way. My vegetarian uncle doesn't mind things heated up in the microwave, I despise it. I use a toaster oven. Plus, some vegetarians eat cheese, some don't... so you need to know that before you try and buy food for a veg head.

It’s an intricate web and no two veg heads are the same. It's better to ask than watch a veggie force down something disgusting or refuse to eat something even tho you meant well.

The Wonderful World of Etsy

I am really good at wasting time. I can spend hours doing nothing. (it's one of my skills!) I have found another delightful way to waste my day away and it's name is ETSY!

I love browsing etsy.com

It's a sort of ebay for handmade goodies. You can discover some amazing talent on Etsy. They have anything you can dream of and quite a few things that you'd find in your nightmares but you know, variety is the spice of life! It's kinda fun (and frightening) to see what things are born from the creative minds of strangers.

I've gotten zombie magnets, a custom embroidered lip gloss holder for my purse, cool hand mirrors for friends, sugar scrub and body meringue, earrings and scrabble tile pendants (which I LOVE and I'm going to learn to make myself), a quadrapus necklace (look it up) and a cool black cat tile necklace that looks like my cat! I've been jonesing for other items that are just too cool and too unique.

When you have a few hours to blow, check it out! The prices are usually really reasonable, they take pay pal and the people are fantastic. Last week I ordered a few things and a couple items came with extra freebies just because they are such nice folks. They are willing to customize things (like colors, chain lengths, etc) and it feels really good to give your money to the 'little guy'.

Find something one of a kind!

That Glade Woman

Have you seen the Glade commercials with that crazy woman who lies about everything?

1. She has her friends over and lights up a Glade candle, only she peels off the label and tries to toss it (only to have it stick to her ass to be discovered later by her friend who is very much on to her lying ways) and tries to pass it off as a French candle. Bonus question - why is she all dressed up anyway? Who wears a little black dress during the day, at home?

2. Her husband goes off to work, her kids to school and she spritzes the air with a Glade room freshener and calls it a day. She shops, she ice skates, she does whatever a big city chick with no day job does, apparently.. then she lies to her family and says she cleaned all day! (they must not have any pets because a spritz wouldn't do shit)

3. She has pals over to do yoga and says the nice air scent is a 'boutique-y' fragrance and then one of her pals discovers it's a Glade Plug-in and her life is over.

4. She's in the tub and gets a phone call and tells whoever is calling that she's at the SPA! Then her husband knocks and instead of admitting she's at home, she lies and says that it's just her 'aromatherapist'.

Good god, woman! How snobby can you be? You're obnoxious!

The Grasshopper

I went to visit my dad and his wife a couple years ago in another state and during the course of the visit we ended up at an antique shop and I found a delightful cast iron grasshopper that intrigued me enough to want to buy it.

I already had an iron ladybug I picked up on a day trip to a tourist trap and I felt like this might be an interesting enough thing to collect that couldn’t be found just anywhere.

After all, you need to be careful letting people in on any collecting you do or you’ll end up like my mom, who got nothing but a variety of snowmen for 5 years straight. She got lamps and blankets, knickknacks and tchotchkes, cups, mugs, ornaments and other things that could never be explained and should never have been adorned with snowmen.

Anyway, when I travel, I only do the carry-on. Why? As much as I’d like to say it’s because I have bad luck and if any luggage is meant to go missing, it will be mine, I have to say that the real reason is because I’m a control freak. This is why I can never go on a cruise. They make you leave your luggage on deck and walk away. No way, mister boatman! That ain’t happenin’ here! (I’m like Gollum and that ring)

Ok, so … I refuse to check luggage so that means I’ve learned how to pack efficiently and take very short trips. So, there I was, in the airport security line, with my dad watching. Even tho I became an adult a very long time ago, he still feels the fatherly need to walk me to the security lane and observe me until I pass thru the other side and disappear from his sight. Ok, I can give him that.

So, as someone who travels about once a year and abhors anything that will embarrass me publicly, I make sure I am a very good security customer. I only wear gold jewelry on travel days as some silver can set off the machine. I always take off my watch and belt and have it stowed in my bag along with all my electronics. I even bag up all the cords and place it on top so it’s easily seen and quickly identified. I never have change or keys in my pocket and I take off my shoes and my jacket and have everything ready to be checked and scanned. I’m one of the quiet ones.

On this particular day I went thru my whole routine and sent my belongings thru the scanner, smiled at the screeners and said a polite hello and slipped thru the metal detector to await my stuff at the other end. As I was standing there, I sensed eyes upon me. I glanced up to see two stern looking security men looking me over and not in a ‘she looks like a nice lady’ kind of way.

It was that ‘OMG all my training is about to pay off! I think she’s a terrorist!’ kind of way.

The belt quit moving and both men were studying my bag that was centered under the xray machine. My heart leapt into my throat and I nearly choked on it.

This was my worst nightmare.

They did some sort of special top secret security man code and I was asked to step down to the end of the security row, to stand still and not move. The other passengers behind me were allowed to proceed past me and a security woman suddenly appeared and my bag was carefully sent down the moving belt to the end of the line. She put gloves on her hands and looked at me like I was a very bad criminal girl.

She very gingerly picked up my bag and placed it in a steel cage located at the end of the security area. She opened up the lid slowly and then proceeded to run what looked like an alcohol pad all around the rim of my bag. (checking for explosive residue?)

I didn’t know what the hell was happening. I was turning a very bright shade of red and I could feel a rush of heat come over my body. I was sweating and my heart was racing. I think there was a real possibility I could have pissed myself.

I had no idea WHY my bag was of such interest. Then, as I watched the woman slowly (and I mean s-l-o-w-l-y) taking each item out of my bag, it dawned on me what all the fuss was about.. as she pulled out that fucking grasshopper wrapped in a paper towel!

It never once popped into my mind that I needed to declare my new found bug.

You see, apparently, GUNS are made from iron. I would guess that the xray machine probably lit up all kinds of ‘crap your pants’ colors when my bag slipped into view.

Once the woman realized she wasn’t going to get blown to shit that day, she softened up and cracked a smile. The stern security guys still looked at me like I was a dumb ass and were probably suppressing the real urge to say “what did you learn?”

My blood pressure receded and I was packed back up and allowed to move forward into the gate area. I was never so embarrassed in all my life.

Then my phone rang.

In my panicked state of mind, I didn’t remember that my dear old dad was watching this whole thing go down. I answered the phone to hear a very amused chuckle.

He said, in between hysterical laughter, “what was that about?”

And I replied “that fucking grasshopper!”

A Girl & Her Panini Pan - A Love Story.

This was from Feb 12, 2008:

sigh. Mmmmm. I am currently enjoying a very tasty and satisfying unconventional breakfast.

Hubby is on a biz trip and I'm stuck here for three days (I don't drive, not that I'd go anywhere anyway) but I like being alone and these trips rejuvenate me. I can stay up late, take two naps, eat whenever and just do my own thing. (Ok, I do that when he is here.. but... well...)

I went and got groceries and filled the house with good stuff... you know what it's like when you have so many yummy things to choose from that it makes meal time tough... so yesterday I made chili and since it was in the crockpot I just had it for lunch and dinner - it seemed the most logical choice.. but I was obsessed with the knowledge that herein lay the makings of my perfect panini - I made a special list and gathered the ingredients with care .... sourdough bread, fresh portobellos, sliced mozzarella, fresh ground sea salt and pepper ..... I couldn't wait until lunch... I'm having the panini for breakfast and it's fantastic.

There is something so simple and so elegant about a panini - the crusty, buttery outside and the gooey, tender inside. The sound it makes when you bite into it.

It's old world and delightful.

I have my TOHE Panini Pan/Press and I can't tell you how much I love it. I like that I use it on the stove over gas vs having it be an electrical item. It sits beautifully displayed on a back burner all the time.. it's cast iron with an enameled exterior. It's so heavy you need two hands to move it and it would defiantely be a candidate for a deadly weapon - if you had the biceps to yield it.

I love the sound of the sizzling butter when you place it in the pan, the warmth of the rising heat, the steam that seeps along side the press as you create the perfect sandwich... it might be slightly darker in one spot, a little flatter in another ... not perfect in sight, but in taste.

if you are a meat eater, I can only imagine what fantastical ham & cheese would emerge from this wonder ..... can you imagine a reuben?

I know... I'm in love with a pan. But I challenge anyone to eat a sandwich from it and have them not have the same exact reaction ..... even the dogs are sitting here, begging.

I Have a Secret Lover...

So.. I had been hearing about this to-die-for, soft, fudge in a jar... because nothing is better than eating directly from a container, off a spoon.

Seriously.

I resisted ordering.. it was a small, pathetic attempt at resistance but as they say .. resistance is futile. The company that makes it opens up a few day order window each month to gather orders and then a couple weeks later they call in the elves and make the batches to order and send them out.

So, I waited.. I stalked.. I wrote the order dates on my calendar. yes, seriously... I counted down until the company would deem us minions worthy and would allow me to plop my money on the counter and demand that they 'fudge me!'

Then, I waited three long ass weeks.... long, because, remember.. they make the batches to order so they must count their chickens and order the sugar and grate the chocolate ... and so.. finally, I get a hilarious email from the company telling me my spoon crack has shipped.... then it takes 4 long days traveling..... finally.. it's here!

I've met the devil and he is Spoon Fudge.

It comes packaged in 10 ounce plastic jars (I thought they'd be bigger but my ass is thankful they aren't) and they have a mini plastic spoon attached to the side so you can indulge right there by the mailbox, in secret, amidst the haphazardly discarded styrofoam peanuts, ripped apart cardboard box and packing tape. I do strongly suggest going into the house so the neighbors don't think you're out there snorting crack. It could really mess with your hard-earned reputation as the subdivision 'mean lady' if the kids see you with a fudge mustache.

The jar says "a little bit of heaven in a jar" ... it isn't heaven.. it's hell in a handbasket and it's going to my thighs!

It has no preservatives and it isn't shelf stable.. which is a very bad thing... why? You need to consume an unopened jar in about a month, an opened jar within a week.

Now, that isn't hard to accomplish.. in fact, I'm betting you could easily consume a jar in a couple days (because I have faith in you) and if you had no restraint, little willpower and no inner guilt.. or were in a severe PMS state you might be able to polish it off in a frenzied hour or two.

Also.... this ain't for sharing. Nope. The husband need not know of the goodness that sits in my upstairs office and faintly whispers to me like a secret lover.

Whoo! Ok.. got a little hot in here for a minute.

Back to my review... there is another small problem.... ... they offer flat rate shipping of $6.50 no matter how many jars you buy so a girl would naturally order up more than one jar as she's a smart shopper.. even tho said girl didn't need any more jars...

This girl ordered up the Chocolate-Peanut Butter and the Chocolate-Marshmallow-Caramel.

Good god almighty!

Spoon Fudge, you complete me.

It's so smooth! It's so creamy! What is this magic?

The complex flavor train in the C-M-C is crazy.. you taste chocolate, of course..... then the burnt sugar undertone of buttery caramel and then, finally.. the sweet childhood memory of marshmallow fluff. Stop. Me. Now.

The C-P-B is a classic representation of the world's best combo, truly... who doesn't love chocolate and peanut butter? It's chocolatey.. it's rich and sweet and sooooo bad for me. truly. I shouldn't eat it and yet, it satisfies.

They have lots of flavors to choose from - White Chocolate Peppermint Crunch! Banana Split! Chocolate Mint! If they ever made Amaretto, I'd have to kill myself.

Then, the damn company goes and does this 'punch card' deal where you buy 12 jars, you get one free.... then they taunt you on the website with the message 'Just 10 more jars and you get one free!" ... 10 more jars and I'm gonna need one of those Scooter store chairs to get around!

So.. in closing .... I can recommend Charssi's Spoon Fudge. It's an indulgence you should make at least once.. or maybe try each flavor so you can get a free jar.

Edited to add: The Spoonfudge makers are now going to offer two 5 oz jars instead of one 10 oz jar (beginning with the Sept order window) so that is great news! You can get two flavors! Make sure you click the link to see when the next order window will be.

Hanky Panky Thongs

So... I've been hearing how fab these thongs are. That they are the most comfy thong in the universe, so I had to give them a try.... found them on HSN for a deeply discounted price. They retail for $18 each but HSN has them 3/$19.90

They arrived today.

A little backstory... up until 4 years ago I was a card carrying member of the 'I will never wear a thong' club ... how could something up your butt be comfortable? Nope.. never gonna try it... then I started a job at Eddie Bauer and I discovered that when wearing the non-jean pants, I had serious panty line!

So.. off to Victoria's Secret I went... and I've worn thongs ever since. Now, I'm perfectly happy with my VS thongs and they are basically comfortable as long as you have them on correctly (and yes, it is possible to wear some thongs incorrectly - and you'll definately know) but I longed for something better.

Now.. at first glance, the Hanky Panky Thong (style 4811 to be exact.. celebs love them) make no sense whatsoever... case in point:

1. They come in only two sizes - original and plus... the originals fit sizes 4 -14 .. HOW is that even possible? I can't explain it.

2. They are LACE. Now... I know what you're thinking, cuz I thought the same thing - Lace + Butt Crack = Oh, Hell No!

3. The 'floss' part is a beefy (to borrow the word of a pal) 1 1/2 inches wide! (the VS ones are 1/4 to 1/2 inch across)

Ok.. so my thoughts?

These really are the most comfortable thongs in the universe! It's true! I've had them on for about 6 hours and I don't even know I'm wearing panties! I can't feel them at all.

Now.. I am the president of the lace haters club I HATE lace. I hate it in undies, in bras, in lingerie... hate it.... but, surprisingly... these are fine.

They have a thick top band that makes them ultra comfy (no more thin straps cutting into your flesh!) and the 'floss' part, even tho it's really wide for a thong, just feels great.... can't even tell it's there. It's really odd. Bonus: the hubster loves these on me.. he says I should buy as many as I need. LOL (men love lace)

I've already placed an order for two more packs.

The Lure of the Outlet Mall

So, back in July, my dad and his wife stopped in town for a 4 day visit and the shopping dynamo stepmom wanted to know where the closest outlet mall was.

You see, they used to live in PA and she had literally dozens of malls within a couple hour drive and she rotated every weekend then they moved to OK and now she is starved for retail therapy.

The closest outlet to me is 45 minutes away but not worth the trip. It’s boring to the point that you’d rather kill yourself in a head on collision on the way there then to actually shop there, so I suggested the next closest, which is an hour and a half away and it has the high end, designer places she prefers.

So, we hop into my dads BMW and armed with my iPass (see? I bring something to the table), we set course (with the help of their GPS unit, affectionately called "Dorothy") and we trekked to the outlet mall.

You'll see a variety of things at an outlet mall - “irregulars”, “uglies”, “WTF is that?” and “um.. yea, there are no words” but it’s the thrill of the hunt and you might actually walk away with something fabulous.

Now, here is the thing about outlets: Very few people know that most outlet stores carry two types of merchandise. They have the product sent from the retail mall stores in your home town that doesn’t sell and then they have their own outlet brand line that is created solely for sale in the outlet stores. It’s usually lower quality and not worth the bag you take it home in. (of course that is just my opinion). You want to be shopping in the back, trust me.

So.. tell me, if it wasn’t interesting enough to buy at the local mall after being marked down 5 times, placed into the clearance section and then marked down an additional 50% on the sidewalk sale, why does it suddenly become interesting at an outlet mall store?

It’s because we think we are getting a bargain. I mean, if it was $98 retail and now it’s $12.99 then we HAVE to buy it, right? I mean, we’d be an idiot not to. Look at the money we’re saving! It doesn't matter that it's a lime green top with elastic sleeves and a pink and cucumber colored flower print with a bow .... it's $12.99!

Let me tell you. If it was ugly at $98, it’s still ugly at $12.99 and most outlet stuff is ugly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I buy things at outlet stores but I have been known to be drawn to the ‘odd’ stuff and things that no one else likes. I call it my ‘OJ Simpson might be innocent’ frame of mind. I’m a Libra so I tend to choose the underdog side of things. I like to believe in people. I like to rescue the ugly little coin purse that no one wants.

I like strange and unique so the outlet mall is a mecca of otherworldly treasures and giggly “oh, no they didn’t” moments when I discover something that is both horrific and yet strangely alluring at the same time. (much like the ‘as seen on tv’ products) I am both hopeful and scared that someone else thought it wasn't so bad.

Outlet malls are not for the mainstream shopper.

You need to be quirky enough that you give yourself the creeps sometimes.

So.. there we were. Me and my Wednesday Addams self and my upper crust stepmom, shopping at Dooney & Bourke. D&B is quite amusing in that they sell ‘irregulars’ which either means that the stitching is flawed, the handle is upside down or it’s just so hideously ugly that no one in their right mind would want to carry it – unless they got it at 30% off retail.

I’ve seen it happen before my eyes… women in search of status who buy the print or color that makes polished women cringe. (I won’t name prints or colors because what if I’m talking about you? That wouldn’t be good manners and we’d both be just a little bit embarrassed)

Anyway …. Then we hit the various shoe stores, now I am not a shoe girl (I know, gasp, the horror!) but it’s true. I very rarely spend money on shoes and I’ve been known to buy two or three of the same exact shoe should I find a fabulous one. (and that would be from Sears – I know, it’s frightening)

Shoe outlets are the worst because you will have one of three things come over you… you’ll be thrilled and excited to find the exact pair you’ve been salivating over at Macy’s for 6 months, in your size and color and 74% off retail price! It’s both satisfying and exhilarating. It will put a spring in your step and cause you to have a blast of confidence that you haven’t seen since you saw that girl from high school who is now fatter than you. Or, maybe you’ll find a pair that isn’t really you but at 86% off retail, they are so inexpensive that you’d be a fool to leave it there for someone else even tho you know damn well it will collect dust in your closet and you won’t wear them – even tho you have very good intentions. Then.. it’s possible you will find nothing and you’ll get depressed about your big ass gargoyle feet and how all the cute shoes are one size bigger or smaller. You’ll probably be with a friend who finds 34 perfect pairs and has to get your opinion on which ones to actually buy. (yea, she can bite me too) so, I suggest skipping the shoe outlets and going straight for that weird food court, just to say you saw it with your own eyes.

The weird foot court is so called because they usually have ‘chains’ that exist only at outlet malls across .

Souki of Japan, Cinnamonster, Paulo’s Pizza & Yogurt, Sub & Grub, Potato Pen … I mean, it’s like being stuck in a strange sort of alternate dimension where things look similar to familiar things but they aren’t real or right. Oh, and they are all priced as if they exist in the airport.

I once paid $7 for a baked potato and an iced tea.

Outlet malls make perfectly normal people buy and eat scary and uncharacteristic things.

I did find a very cute purse at Fossil and I’ve gotten quite a few compliments on it. I think if you go to an outlet mall with the right frame of mind, you can have fun … but you need to realize that it’s like going to the zoo.

You are so excited to be going, it takes forever to get there and get parked and once you get there you can’t wait to get the hell home. You usually remember you had the same exact feelings the last time you were there but had forgotten and now you’re just hot, tired, hungry, pissed you spent so much money and weaving your way thru the slow moving reptiles, stinky bears and uninteresting farm animals while waiting impatiently for the monkey pen to show up in your travels.

Ok.. so it isn’t nice to compare other outlet shoppers to zoo animals but if you’ve been to an outlet mall, you know what I’m talking about. It’s unfortunate but very true. I try hard to be a monkey in that zoo – projecting human qualities while maintaining a healthy distance from the people on the other side of the glass.